I was 5foot 9 and weighed 90 pounds with rocks in my pockets when I was in the sixth grade, my knee caps were bigger than my thighs. I had buck teeth and big purple glasses that I had no clue were not cool. The short story is I was often picked last for kickball. And it sucked, because no matter what my mom told me, I wanted those jerks to like me and think I was sexy. Yes,in 6th grade. I needed attention bad, like a sickness. And up until the sixth grade I had functioned under the delusion that one day I would look in the mirror and realize that I was the swan. I discovered that no amount of blue eyeshadow was going to make me look like Brooke shields, ever. So I joined, or rather created a group, with two other outcasts called the playboy blue jean club. Again, I’m sure I had no idea what that even meant, but already I had learned about branding. Mainly the club involved the three of us losers posing, in blue jeans and whatever shirt I grabbed off the floor before heading off to school, under a large oak tree. The only camera we had between us was a Kodak disc, so it looked like we had taken the pictures underwater after rubbing the camera lens with sand. So I don’t know, maybe we looked sexy for 6th graders. It didn’t earn me any points when kickball teams were being chosen though. There’s plenty more horrible stories I could share with you about the 6th grade like the day I wore a Smurf training bra to the scoliosis test or the day I tried out for cheer leading and wore two items that I pulled out of a bag of hand me downs. I thought I had hit the fashion nail on the head with my brown wool plaid skort, peasant shirt and striped knee highs. I did not make the team though.
But that’s why I’m funny now. I had to learn how to cope and get attention anyway. Obviously I was funny, at least in the way I dressed and named clubs, but I was funny too. But I got positive feedback every time I made somebody laugh. So I trained myself to find the funny, be clever. And now it feels like everyday I’m getting picked as team captain.