Happy f*%~ing Mother’s Day

This blog is my way of sharing with the world what it is like for me as a  single mother of three beautiful, struggling and growing girls. It is not a secret message or a cry for help.  I want to share what is true for me.  I won’t apologize for being honest. I will in fact need to challenge myself to be honest. 

I was feeling sad and self loathing when I started this blog. Truly I looked around the Internet and I found articles about single parenting telling me to breathe and get a manicure. I wanted to throw up. I’m breathing, I’m getting manicures and I’m still shouting while standing in cat litter and loading the dryer at 715 am. I am tired at night and I am tired in the morning. But Im not looking for sympathy. I just don’t think I’m the only single mom in the world that goes to bed at night wondering how in the world I will make it through tomorrow. I know there are other moms that open a box of doughnuts and feel a little secret pride for making something for breakfast. I know there are other parents that walk the dog once a week and feel like its a major accomplishment.  My cat had two litters of kittens this year. TWO. I took anatomy, I know how that happened. However, you’ll have to keep your Bob Barker smirk for yourself.  I’m not going to be able to apologize because I opted to take a shower or a nap the day my cat got out and had sex with a neighbor cat. Why didn’t they get their damn cat fixed? I will get to it, at the moment I’m buried under a pile of what might be dirty clothes.  

I’m a single mom trying to get up every morning and put my feet one in front of the other.  It would be great if we all had clean socks and organic meals and did family yoga after our family meeting. But we don’t. And I’m seriously not blaming anyone, not looking for sympathy. I just want to look into the eyes of other tired and weary moms, and dads too, that are bloodshot and red and worried that they aren’t doing enough. Because everyone else seems to be getting it right, with ease. 

Parenting is dirty and loud for us. I f-up every day, sometimes majorly.  I threw an iPad across the room one day, I told my 8 year old to get out of  the van and walk home. I’ve said the f-word in traffic, when I’ve hurt myself and when I realized the cat threw up on the clean bed spread. What I can do is apologize, remember that I’m human and try to do better the next day and keep doing that as many times as needed. 

I love my daughters and I love being a mom, but I have considered running away. That doesn’t mean I’m a bad mom.  I think if more moms said how much being a parent sucks sometimes we wouldn’t have to feel so lonely and dirty for secretly wishing our kids were in college, or at least boarding school.  This is not said to make you feel like you need to tell me what a great mom I am, most days I know that. I do a damn good job.  It’s so other moms (and dads if they need to) everywhere will tell themselves what a great parent you are. It’s ok to brag and it’s ok to throw an iPad (I aimed for a pillow) and I didn’t make my daughter walk home, but I would. You’re in the trenches and it sucks some days and the payoffs are often many years away. Pat yourself on the back and forgive yourself. And don’t worry, I know I need to get the cat fixed. 

 

Part of my recovery is getting at my truth, so thank you if you’ve agreed to taking this journey with me. It’s going be a bumpy ride so be sure to fasten your seatbelt and relax.  I’m glad you’re along for the ride.