Let’s be honest, dating is more complicated than a Russian opera. But I don’t have to tell you that, you’ve already tired to figure out if you’re supposed to text right away, two weeks later, or send a sky writer. And please don’t tell me you tired to call, on the phone, that’s so 2000. Who are you, my grandma? Well, fear not, I’ve been doing tons of research (hey, I’ve been on like 5 dates in two years). Since I am now the self-declared expert of my own life, and I’m on a dating break, I’ve come up with some rules that may help you.
1. Pour at least one thing on you before you leave the house. Coffee works well. This way you don’t have to be nervous about spilling something on yourself. If you are me, you’re going to spill something anyway, and anyone who plans on sharing meals with me had better know that before going into date number two.
2. Lotion your hands liberally right before you arrive. The handshake will be awesome. Better yet, use Vaseline. Or chicken grease!
3. Arrive at least three minutes late wearing clothing inappropriate for the season. It will give you something to talk about immediately. If your date fails to mention that you are wearing a tank top in winter, he’s probably not going to mention that affair he will have six months from now either.
4. Periodically throughout the date make a random weird face, for no reason and don’t mention it. Bug your eyes out, touch your tongue to your nose, get creative. Along with making weird voices, I will make weird faces. I’ll be best paired with a dude who finds this endearing.
4.5 Yell: “Suck it nerds!”, if he doesn’t get it, he’s out.
5. Tell an embarrassing story that you don’t realize is embarrassing until you’re halfway through it. Know that this will be your next embarrassing story.
7. Mention that you talk for all the animals that live in your house. They all have distinct voices, if your date is not willing to learn every animals’ voice, then it would be best to go your separate ways.
8. Date at unusual hours, start a date at 915 knowing you will fall asleep by ten o clock. (Note to self, these are best done at home, you’re too big to be carried out of the movie theatre)
9. Order what you want, offer to pay and then realize you left your wallet at home, which seems pre-planned, but if this guy knew how often I leave my wallet, keys, pocketbook, drivers license, car and couldn’t remember where it was, he would know me. Really know me.
10. Send him a text while you are sitting across from each other asking how it’s going.
11. Snack on food you bring in your purse. Or wallet, if you’re a dude, or if you just happen to carry only a wallet.
12. After the date, call him every hour on the hour, but pretend to be one of your dogs. Ask him if he’s going to be your new daddy and ask to be taken for a walk.
13. Change your phone number.
14. Have fun and stop thinking this date is your last chance at love, sex, help with the dishes. You get to decide what the rules are. And if you’re me, in the process, you’re coming up with lots of new material.