Feel the rain on your skin

Feel the rain on your skin

Sometimes when things aren’t quite as I want them, I get impatient for the next phase of life. The phase when I roll over on a Sunday morning to greet the warm smile of my beloved. The phase where I am sharing the burdens and joys of maintaining a household. The phase that starts with the mad rush into embracing vulnerability, the appreciation of the available kiss, treasuring the smell of skin. The phase that drifts into regularly talking to another adult.
No doubt, being a single parent is lonely. I’m not alone, I have friends. And I’m not complaining, just saying. It is lonely. So there’s an opportunity to embrace my present life circumstances. When I’m focused on the joys of my current situation my mind says something like this…wasn’t it delightful to sleep in the jumping jack position, remember how last night you didn’t have to ask anyone if they wanted to go to parkway brewery, and that when you were ready to come home, you just did, no compromise, no long drawn out, “well, what do you want to do? Well what do you want to do? Well…” . My closets are full, all of them, with my stuff. My bathroom is the exact amount of clean I want it to be. I spend money how I want, choose how to spend my free time, listen to my music. The seat in my car is always adjusted to my height.
Welcoming someone into my little world would change things. I like eating cheese sauce for dinner. Sometimes I only want to get dressed to work out and not actually work out. There is a process that my clothing goes through, only a very brief part is being clean and folded in the drawer. Occasionally I snore more like a congested truck driver and less like a lady. I vacillate between not being sure where the window seat in my bathroom is and needing the whole house to smell like bleach. There are times I want to lay in bed until noon playing puzzle forge-Alone!, and times I want to get up at 6am and think about how the plot of the wizard of oz relates to my life. Periodically I like to dance like no one’s watching, knowing that people are watching.
So you can see, it would be quite a compromise to give up cheese for dinner in order to have the daily love and support of another adult human being. I’m not rationalizing, life is good. Just different than it will be someday. And while I’ll miss taking up my queen size bed and not finding beard hair in my sink, I’m kinda looking forward to it.


One response »

  1. Learning to appreciate the value of having your own life without having to bend to someone else’s wishes is huge. I have been alone for over 10 years now and I’m not sure I could give it up. Although there are days when I do miss the shared life of being a couple.


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