The Amish break up

The Amish break up

So yes, I ate a roll-ish of cookie dough yesterday. I’m not admitting that it’s relationship related, maybe my diet simply lacks enough chocolate chips.
On a, probably, unrelated note, let’s talk about break ups.
When I was 15 and Tim “somebody or other” broke up with me (he was 17 after all and about to go off to college), I spent the better part of three days laying face down in a pile of discarded acid washed jeans and neon stirrup pants inside my closet. One day, while trying to put clothes away in my room, my mother insisted that I get up and move on with my life. But Tim was the first boy I ever “really” kissed, I had picked out bride’s maids dresses for our imaginary wedding. They were drawn in ink pen on a piece of spiral notebook paper. This was serious.
But I never really saw Tim very much. We didn’t go to the same school, the one phone in my house was on the wall of the kitchen, and there was no internet, no Facebook, Instagram or snapchat. We weren’t ” friends”. Stalking an ex required hiring a private investigator, or asking our mutual friends. My babysitting gigs didn’t really provide the kind of income that would afford me private investigator money, and we didn’t really have mutual friends. So, when I finally did see Tim with another girl, it was months later and at 15, my heart had healed.
Now, it might seem that as an adult, IF I were upset over the break up of someone, I’d have the common sense not to look them up on the inter webs, to block them from my feed, or whatever I’m sure real grown ups do. But apparently I’m not a real grownup. I blame having to start over at 40, but I’m not sure that’s fair.
The internet essentially allows a person to gaze into the sanitized version of your ex’s life without you. Man, does it look like you were holding them back! Look how happy they are, how social, how utterly ecstatic that you are out of their life (but not their newsfeed) for good. Who even knew they liked to travel? And drink so many exotic drinks, and dance with sooo many women.
If you’ve broken up with someone, but would like to remain a part of their lives, Let me give you some advice that I should have taken myself, go back to a simpler time. I’d like to call this the Amish break up. Pretend the Internet doesn’t exist, especially Facebook. If you have to be on there, BLOCK! BLOCK! BLOCK! Do not, under any circumstances just glance at their page. It’s the olden times equivalent of standing outside their house and gazing in their windows or tapping their phone, the difference is, they know you’re watching and listening, and they get to control what you see. So, even if in the dark of the night they too are eating cookie dough, on Facebook their life couldn’t be better or happier and it’s more than a little torturous.
We’d all like to believe that it is impossible for others to go on without us, not just in relationships, but with jobs, and friends too. But, regardless of how accurate an expression of reality Facebook is, it’s in print and picture. And like art, it tells us plenty and leaves plenty up for interpretation, tortuous interpretation. So just don’t, go there. Go back to 1980. Use only cordless phones, pretend computers are only for evil geniuses, use a camera with film, lay in your closet if you have to. And eat cookie dough if you need to. Not that that’s what I was doing, I’m just trying to help you.


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